Issues

One of the first things you both need to do is discuss arrangements for your children. Where they will live, how they will maintain positive relationships with both parents, how decisions will be made, child support, etc. These arrangements don't have to be set in stone. In fact it's better all round if you can maintain some flexibility. If the children are old enough you may want to allow them some autonomy to make some decisions about what they will do.

Where it is safe to do so, children should be able to have positive, ongoing relationships with both parents. They should never be used as pawns in parents battles. 

You can make arrangements to suit your circumstances, there is no one size fits all solution. The most common arrangement is still for children to live with one parent, spending time with the other parent on weekends, school holidays and other times to suit. Other families have arrangements where children divide their time between two households, up to spending half their time in each. And more and more fathers are becoming primary carers. If you can agree between yourselves, then what you do is up to you.

But remember : Don't force children into making decisions they're not ready for. And don't force them to choose one parent over the other.

Just remember, even if you are not the primary carer you are still a parent, so it is important to act like one. Regardless of whether it is "your" weekend, unless there is a court order in place, you can still turn up to their sports games, school concerts, and other things that are important to them. You can ask the school to send you copies of all correspondence so you always know what is going on. Of course, it's better if both parents can talk about these things, but even in the best relationships sometimes things slip through.

Once made, arrangements are not set in stone. They can be changed as your circumstances change. Children get older and want more autonomy to make decisions about themselves, or they want to spend more time with one parent. It might even be that you change jobs and are working different days or hours.

But this is dependent on you both having an ongoing relationship where you can discuss these things, and be flexible. If you have court orders in place, then those orders have to be followed. If you want them changed, you need to go back to court to do so.

Some things to remember when deciding on parenting arrangements are:  

• Remain flexible. Sometimes children will decide they want to change arrangements. It might be because they have a birthday party to go to, or there is a special sporting match or event they want to see with one parent. They might be studying, or feeling sick, or just not feel like going because they want to spend time with their friends. Allow them to make some choices and decisions. Pressuring or forcing them to do something may make them resentful.

• Respect children's wishes. If they want to live in one house and visit the other, then take that into consideration. Same if they want to spend lots of time with both parents. But you need to work out the best way for them to do that. Don't expect children to solve all the problems.

• Regardless of the living arrangements, you are both still parents, and both have responsibilities to focus on their best interests.Try to get over your conflict and show your kids that you both still love them.

• Do not criticise the other parent, or bring the kids into your conflict in any way. Keep discussions about money or other arrangements away from them.

Children Come First

The Family Court is still required to place the best interests of children at the centre of all their judgments.

If you can't come to an agreement between yourselves and want the Court to make decisions about children's matters, you will first need to seek mediation. This is designed to help both parents focus on what is best for the children, rather than themselves. You can get help on this through Family Relationships Centres (1800 050 321), or find out more information through the Family Court.