Blog

Sam de Brito, Sydney Morning Herald, 29 April 2012

YOU have to wonder if the ”bloody kids” have replaced ”the missus” as the perceived ball and chain around the modern man’s neck.

Both are topics of conversation I find older guys will use to establish a rapport with a stranger – particularly in client meetings, at conferences and work functions.

Sport might also get a mention and, perhaps, commentary on the attractiveness of whatever woman is nearby but once these subjects are exhausted it’s fascinating how often men will riff on the onerous nature of parenthood, and ”how you’ve lost the next 20 years of your life”.

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Christmas can be a difficult time for single parent and blended families. Trying to come to an agreement on where children will be and when, let alone where Santa will deliver presents, can cause otherwise amicable arrangements to fall apart.

Divorce lawyers, Centrelink/Child Support Agency, counselling services and helplines all report a flurry of activity at Christmas – most of it distressing for all parties. It’s also a time when domestic violence increases along with all other stresses.

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Getting out of the city and listening to stories from other areas is always an interesting experience. It’s been a long drive from Sydney to Cairns, but well worth it. I’ve met some great people and seen some fabulous, innovative programs.

We’ll be able to take these stories (anonymously of course) straight to the politicians and bureaucrats to work on better policies and services for all sole parents.

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The lament you often hear from non-residential parents is that they want to see their children more, while residential parents often say they want the other parent to see their children more.

If this is the case, you have to wonder why it doesn’t happen.

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Dole bludgers. Welfare recipients. No work ethic. “Single mothers!”

All these terms – and the attitude that goes with them – appear to be making a comeback.

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The other day a single mother contacted Sole Parents’  Union. She was in tears, distraught because she had been visited by her state’s child welfare authorities. And nothing says “bad mother” like a visit from child welfare organisations.
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That the nuclear family is no longer the norm I think is now beyond a doubt. But just what, or who, is family these days?

This question was really brought to the fore for me recently. My parents have been visiting from interstate, so we had a ‘family’ barbecue.

Present were me and my children, my partner and one of his children, my brother and his family and various cousins and aunts and uncles.

After the barbecue my children went to dinner with their father, his partner and her children. My parents were going to another part of the country to visit another grandchild and his mother (who is divorced from my brother). They were also hoping to see their “ex-grandchildren”. These grandchildren aren’t biologically related, but my brother was married to their mother from the time they were 2 & 4 up until their mid teens.

Added to that, my partner was going to see his younger child, who lives with his mother, who is not the mother of the child at the barbecue. His older 2 children do have the same mother, but he is not their biological father.

Confused? So am I, and I was there!

Single parent families, step families, blended families, they all mean that the 2-parent nuclear family is no longer the norm. Although you often wouldn’t think about it reading the papers or listening to politicians talk!

Children have siblings, step-siblings, half-siblings, even ex-siblings. They have parents, step-parents, “other” parents and possibly a dozen or more grandparents.

Yet all our social policy and family law is aimed at nuclear families. When are we going to get real about acknowledging that families have changed? And that children have a lot of relationships that are important to them!

Since writing this blog this morning, I’ve been looking at the Australian Institute of Family Studies conference and research. In their analysis of changing families, they are still only measuring single parents with children or couples with children. Nothing about those with some children some of the time, other children some of the time, some childrne all of the time, etc. That’s the analysis we need in order to truly support families these days.