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Sam de Brito, Sydney Morning Herald, 29 April 2012

YOU have to wonder if the ”bloody kids” have replaced ”the missus” as the perceived ball and chain around the modern man’s neck.

Both are topics of conversation I find older guys will use to establish a rapport with a stranger – particularly in client meetings, at conferences and work functions.

Sport might also get a mention and, perhaps, commentary on the attractiveness of whatever woman is nearby but once these subjects are exhausted it’s fascinating how often men will riff on the onerous nature of parenthood, and ”how you’ve lost the next 20 years of your life”.

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Marriage has been in the news a lot lately, with a release of a report into the benefits of marriage by the Australian Christian Lobby. This report, written by Professor Patrick Parkinson, found that parental marriage acts as a protective factor for children, improving their life outcomes.

Sole Parents’ Union has a number of concerns about the report. On reading the report in the Sydney Morning Herald we wrote a response which you can read in full in our news section.

Apart from the misrepresentation of previous research, Sole Parents’ Union would point out that marriages which don’t end in divorce would be expected to be better for children than those that do, after all people would usually stay together for a reason – they get along well so they have low levels conflict and therefore less reason to separate. As we pointed out in our letter, it is conflict rather than divorce per se that is the problem.

But where divorce leads to an end in the conflict then outcomes for children also improve. A good divorce really is better than a bad marriage.

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Getting out of the city and listening to stories from other areas is always an interesting experience. It’s been a long drive from Sydney to Cairns, but well worth it. I’ve met some great people and seen some fabulous, innovative programs.

We’ll be able to take these stories (anonymously of course) straight to the politicians and bureaucrats to work on better policies and services for all sole parents.

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The lament you often hear from non-residential parents is that they want to see their children more, while residential parents often say they want the other parent to see their children more.

If this is the case, you have to wonder why it doesn’t happen.

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Is there really such a thing as a good divorce?

Divorce isn’t something that people do lightly. You don’t just wake up one morning and say to yourself “What will I do today? I know, I think I’ll get divorced.” Most people go through a long and agonising process of trying to make their relationship work before deciding that it’s a better option for everybody, kids included, if they split up.

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When will government agencies like Centrelink learn how to communicate properly?

In the next instalment in my son’s Centrelink saga, he is now getting his youth allowance payment. After initially rejecting his claim, they’re now throwing money at him. With all the back pay, he received quite a large initial lump sum payment. More money than he’s ever seen in his life, and of course it’s burning a hole in his pocket.

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I was in a Centrelink office the other day. Now, some might say that because I’m a single mother this is nothing unusual. But I haven’t had any personal dealings with Centrelink for years.

And after this experience, I can say I’m very glad

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I’m torn.

My middle child (usually referred to as ‘the baby’) is flying out to Europe today. For an extended holiday – no return date set.

I should be happy for her. And I am. This is what I raised her for. To be independent. To be happy. To explore the world and make it her own.

So why am I so upset. And – if I’m game enough to admit it – afraid!

Like many single mothers, I am very close to my children – and they to me. Since they were very small, it’s been just me and them. I have deliberately avoided long-term relationships because I didn’t want to disrupt us and our lives.

That’s not to say I haven’t had my own life. I have. I’ve worked, travelled, had relationships (just not a live-in one), gone out with girlfriends. In other words, done all the normal things that people do.

I also haven’t overindulged my kids – well, not too much! They’ve had to do things for themselves, help around the house, earn their own money.

And like many parents I’ve been pushing them to move out, and complaining about children staying around forever. So why is it that now she’s going I’m so upset? Is it just because she’s going so far away?

I have to admit it – I don’t want her to go. What if something happens and I’m not there to fix it? What if I don’t even know about it – for days, if for ever?

Is it just me, or does anybody else feel like this? We want our kids to be happy and to have their own lives – just not too far away. We want them to stand on their own feet and not depend on us for everything – but worry when they do.

I know she’s not leaving me. We’ve set up skype and a travel blog so we can keep in touch, and I can keep up with what she’s doing and where she’s going. I haven’t become one of her facebook ‘friends’ because I don’t want to know everything she gets up to. After all, there are some things your mother just shouldn’t know about you! (nor should your children, come to think of it! But that’s another story.)

I know I’ll get over feeling down. I know I’ll go back to feeling as excited for her as we did when she first started planning the trip. IT’S JUST SO HARD!!!

Sole Parents’ Union received the following story from one of our members. I thought it was worth reproducing, as I’m sure there’s more than one single parent out there in the same situation.

I am a sole parent and have been for a number of years now. My marriage left me in debt, with bad self esteem, low confidence in my abilities and struggling financially.

In the 12 years that I have been separated I have done a lot of work on myself, the children and been the lone ranger when it comes to meeting my children’s (and now granchildren’s) needs. My eldest (25) who has a mental illness is now married and making a life for herself. Raising her, I made mistakes like any parent but she is alive – which is a credit to both herself and her mother (me). She had her first child at 17 and I am now raising him – he is 8 (he has lived with me since he was 2). My other daughter lives at home with me and is undertaking year 11.

I consider myself a survivor. I have worked hard at being a good mum, buying a home, undertaking a social work degree and creating a community of care.

My concerns and issues regarding being a sole parent are as follows:

1. The low economic status of sole parents which is further exacerbated by the low social status that sole parents are STILL have

2. The lack of financial assistance out there for sole parents that want to improve their circumstances in terms of university education (research shows that better educated parents give their children better opportunities and lessen the likely hood of welfare dependency)

The second issue is one which really irritates me. I know numerous sole parents at uni who struggle financially, physically and emotionally trying to balance working, raising a family and studying. They are my heros. The University education system seems to support different demographics but there seems to be no specific support outside of menial centrelink payments and the commonwealth scholarship program to assist this group of people who have been clearly identified as disadvantaged (in terms of living in poverty, education and socially excluded). I admit that I haven’t looked into it at great length in systemic terms, but from personal experience – i.e. trying to find a sole parents specific scholarship program that would help take the financial pressure off so I can study full time rather than juggle family / work / study – there doesn’t seem to be anything beside the aforementioned financial assistance? Wouldn’t it make sense to invest in this group so that the individual benefits may also be generational benefits?

I know a number of sole parents who are investing in their future. They model good study behaviours for their children, they have conversations with their children about the modern world and influence their children’s view of the world by having a perspective other than that presented to them in the media, they teach their children to think critically and analyze their points of view, they show their children that an education is a way out of poverty rather than welfare, they are better equipped to find resources for their children when needed and they can sit and help their kids with assignments, and they show their kids that if they try they can do anything. Why are we not advocating for support for these parents more at the state and federal level? Or are we?

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my rant. I know everyone is out there pushing their agendas .. this is my bug bear at the moment .. and has been for a while. I really feel strongly that a little investment, understanding and support can make a difference .. not to just one person, but to a whole, sometimes broken family and the benefits are generational.

It’s inspiring stories like this that keep us going here in what seems an eternal struggle to get good policies and supports for sole parent families. But rest assured, we will keep doing it. So keep those stories coming in to help us in our advocacy work with government.